10,000 BC Review:
Time to rip into a crappy movie tonight. And my movie victim is 10,000 BC. Let the rippage begin.
Running commentary -
Starts off with a story about the legend of the child with the blue eyes. The narrator is talking about his tribe and the Old Mother who talks to the spirits. They got a sign and it was a girl they found wandering in the wilderness.
The shaman lady does a Vulcan mind meld and sees the attack on the girl's people. Old Mother talks about the girl with the blue eyes will marry a great warrior and they will save their people.
Now the boy is warrior and his father is gone. He fights the boy who calls his dad a coward and a traitor.
D-Leh and the girl are the outcasts and become friends. He likes her already.
Now they're older and the only way they can be together is if he kills a mammoth.
Cool mammoth hunting scene.
This is like Quest for Fire but with talking.
D-Leh is guilty about killing the mammoth without doing anything and gives back the white spear of power however he still loves his woman. There's too much narration. This is like 300 but more pointless.
Now they're being invaded by the same army that attacked the Ewoks on Battle for Endor.
Their leader talks like Xerces from 300, lol.
Delay is now going to hunt them down with the top hunter.
Do they have to ramble about the Child with the Blue Eyes every 10 minutes? DO THEY?!
They find the invaders and the people they captured.
They try a rescue but get found out and the invaders are chasing them.
GIANT CHICKEN MONSTERS! AWESOME!
The giant mutant chickens are killing everyone. All of the main characters escape.
Now D-Leh has fallen into a hole filled with spikes after fighting a tiger. Tiger now stalking him in the hole. It confronts him and then escapes. He climbs out too.
They find a new village. The tiger follows them there and goes for D-Leh but he decides not attack it when it comes closer. Instead of attacking him the tiger protects him. The natives decide to join them.
Turns out they know D-Leh's father and tell them a story using pictures on a stone wall. Their wise men say that the man who tamed the tiger will lead them to victory.
The warrior tribe sends runners to the other tribes to get them an army.
Now he is leading an army through the desert and they just reach the invaders in time to catch them on ships going down the river. They then decide to follow them through the desert.
Ugly freak guy still in love with the blue eyed woman.
They decide to walk during the night.
The invaders are at the pyramids that are being built using slaves and mammoths. They are basically slave labor to build the pyramids.
The army arrived and they plan a break out. They tell the slaves about it and their plan.
They kill two guards who see them and try to prevent their escape. However the chief of his tribe gets killed and he's the new chief.
The woman tries to kill the guy and then she is evaluated by the high priests after he leaves.
Their leader is like a giant vampiric entity.
Now they do a fake Braveheart army motivation scene with D'Leh as Braveheart.
They let loose the mammoths and the revolution is on. This is like Tahrir Square BC.
The lord of the people shows up and they all stop to bow before him.
D'Leh tosses his spear and kills the giant vampiric entity.
Ugly guy tries to kill the woman so D'Leh doesn't have her either before D'Leh kills him.
Of course everyone watches as D'Leh walks away from her dead body.
Old Mother gives her life and the woman is back to life.
Ends with them getting seeds from the tribe before they arrive back at their tribe's village.
1 star out of 5. What horrible garbage. Other than the giant chicken monsters and the vampiric god creature this movie sucked balls. Two thumbs down. The CGI visuals were good but everything else sucked except for the hottie with the blue eyes. That's it. Nothing good here. Move along, move along.