Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus Review/Running Commentary:
I've had some fun with this running commentary review format so I'm going to make it a regular thing and I found the perfect movie to start off with...Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus. Let the hilarity begin.
Running Commentary -
Starts off with submarines and nature scenes. This might not be that bad...hopefully.
Liking the nature videos at the start of this movie. However the really fake looking submarine isn't helping matters out at all.
Awww...look at the beautiful whales. Have this feeling that something chaotic is going to destroy this tranquil scene.
Oh no, there's a rumble and explosions. The ice shelf breaks off thanks to their illegal sonar weapon and the Giant Octopus and Mega Shark are unleashed! This looks good.
GIANT OCTOPUS JUST ATTACKED AN OIL RIG! This is awesome.
Eww, they found a dead whale on the beach. This is just like the scene in Jaws 2 where they find the dead orca on the beach by the lighthouse.
"QUIET!" This scientist guy is an elitist douchebag and his name is Dick too! lol
The scientist lady's sidekick has a bag with a beer in it lol. He also looks like he transforms into a werewolf every full moon.
Scientist lady sneaks into where the whale's body is kept and pulls out a tooth.
Looked it up. Her name is Emma MacNeil.
There was a survivor of the octopus attack but they are covering it up.
MEGA SHARK JUST ATE AN AIRPLANE! I LOVE THIS MONSTER! THIS MOVIE KICKS ASS! That has to be one of the greatest movie scenes of all time. Everything else in this movie will probably pale in comparison to that scene.
"Don't love the ocean too much. It doesn't love you back." Who writes this stuff?
Emma took the tooth to her mentor Lamar Sanders from college and now is being followed by government goons. Maybe they are the Agents from the Matrix movies or perhaps the Adjustment Bureau. Who knows.
They figure out that Mega Shark aka a Megalodon is on the loose.
Oh God. Now they have a romance plot between Emma and Seiji Shimada, a Japanese scientist sent to help Lamar.
"I talked to him before our government locked him away forever." Does this Seiji guy work for Amnesty International or something?
They get a video from her sub that got damaged and see both a giant octopus and Megalodon on the video. They basically ripped off the entire Godzilla Raids Again ice unveiling scene involving Godzilla and Anguirus.
Seiji is all excited and Emma is using this to bring up global warming propaganda.
"When we find the beast we're sending it to hell."
"Send that big bastard down for the deep six!" Where the hell did that come from? lol
Mega Shark just ate a battleship. I LOVE THIS CHARACTER!
The government just captured Seiji, Emma, and Lamar Elian Gonzalez style.
They get taken to Guantanamo Bay and are now captured by Lorenzo Lamas! The Renegade is back, baby! Nobody can stop the Renegade! NOBODY...except maybe
"Your entire career is in my hands." Who is this guy? He sounds like a wrestling heel from the mid-'90's saying something like that. He might be a Bob Backlund-esque heel or something.
"Cool it, hombre." I'm going to use that line sometime.
Llamas has said every major curse word there is in the English language in less than two minutes.
"They don't rest, they just kill."
Just a note: This movie got a thousand times more interesting the moment Lorenzo Lamas showed up.
In the middle of the lab Seiji is trying to pick up Emma. At this point I'm waiting for him to try and get to second base only to be thwarted by a Mega Shark attack.
They finally kiss and she tells him she's taking a walk. Now they're playing tonsil hockey. Seiji hit a home run on his first at-bat. I wish I could pull of what this Seiji guy did at UNLV with some of these single women in class...are there any single women in class? *starts pondering*
Now he's talking about smells and attraction. Who is this guy? Egon Spengler?
This gives her the idea to use pheromones. This is just like that scene from Independence Day when David gets the idea to upload a computer virus onto the mothership.
"Before we order the cake and the balloons can someone please tell me what the hell is going on." lol, Lamas is a great buzzkiller.
"In all this darkness you are the one ray of light." What horrible romantic garbage.
Giant Octopus just destroyed an F-18 with its tentacle. This movie rules. This is cheesy B-movie goodness at its finest.
What horrible dialogue. I could write better dialogue than this.
Now the arm is stuck and they can't let the pheromones loose. Yeah, they did the jammed scene from Independence Day.
They're firing on Mega Shark it's doing nothing but make the Shark's CGI look even faker than it was before they did that.
Target destroyed...SWERVE! Mega Shark just ate a submarine.
MEGA SHARK JUST ATE PART OF THE GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE! AND IT'S THE SAME PART I WALKED ON LAST WEEK! lol
The plan backfired with the Giant Octopus too and the Japanese military pissed it off. Dont these guys watch Japanese Kaiju movies at all? Weapons are useless against these creatures. Idiots.
Lamas wants to nuke the monsters. I don't blame him. That's their only hope of surviving.
"Nothing can be accomplished in a state of exhaustion."
Emma's plan is to get them to fight each other. According to her, "Thrilla in Manilla." Dear lord this is getting absurd.
"Can I interrupt this lovefest for a minute." Lamas rules. His character is a total douchebag.
Lamas going on a rant about the creatures and the world leaders all being pissed off. This is great.
Lamas just called the Japanese "Japs" and Seiji looked all bummed out because of him saying that on the video monitor. lol That was amusing.
Seiji is now using Shakespeare play quotes to seduce Emma. This guy's spent more time trying to seduce her than actually trying to deal with the giant monsters.
Mega Shark is now chasing their submarine.
Now the Giant Octopus is after them too.
"I must remain optimistic and rush to the aide of whoever survived." Dear lord this Seiji character is like the Japanese Corey Feldman.
Now the crew is pointing guns at each other. This is like a cheaply made Crimson Tide.
Mega Shark almost eats the submarine but Giant Octopus grabs him! THEY'RE FINALLY FIGHTING! Some crewmember asked who was winning, lol. Octopus with a bear hug but Shark bites off his tentacle. Shark goes back after him but gets inked. Lamas wants to leave, lol. What a coward.
Both of the monsters have disappeared now.
MEGA SHARK SNEAK ATTACKS THE SUBMARINE!
They escape but Shark chases after them. Emma, Lamas, and Lamar escape in the mini-sub but Mega Shark bites the sub in half!
Seiji shows up and the Giant Octopus attacks his submarine. What a horrible battle plan.
The monsters fight again. Octopus grabs Shark again but Shark escapes. Shark attacks but Octopus grabs him. Shark bits off a tentacle then the whole scene repeats but Octopus still has a hold of him. It appears as if they killed each other. Both monsters fall to the bottom of the ocean. That battle was WAY too short. I wish it was longer.
Ends with a sunset scene and Seiji and Emma on the beach contemplating life and kissing. Lamar interrupts them with an infared photo from the North Sea of some unknown creature. Sequel? I hope so.
Overall -
This is an excellent B-movie. Acting wasn't bad, CGI wasn't too horrible, and the story was amusingly absurd on an epic level. Lorenzo Lamas' character is awesome. The guy is a total buzzkilling douchebag and totally makes the movie more amusing once he arrives. Seiji is nothing but a Egon Spengler lothario character that only cares about getting into Emma's pants. Emma is ok for a rebellious character but April O'Neal is a far superior alternative. Overall not as horrible as you would think it would be. I liked the Mega Shark the best out of the two monsters. The plane scene with him is great. The monster fight scenes were too short but oh well, could've been worse. If you look horrible horror and science fiction movies like I do, you'll love this. If not stay away...far far away.
Thanks for reading and to end this, I give you the Mega Shark plane attack aka one of the greatest movie scenes of all time. Enjoy. -
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