Pumpkin Karver Review and Running Commentary:
Alright, a few weeks ago I got some cheapie movies from Blockbuster that were on sale and one of them that I got was The Pumpkin Karver. I saw this a LONG time ago and thought it was good. However now I'm going to review complete with running commentary rippage and I expect there to be a lot.
Running commentary -
Starts off with kids trick or treating on Halloween. Inside some dude is pumpkin carving and his hot sister in a bathrobe is dealing with the trick or treaters.
Oh God...she's dating a douchebag in a leather jacket and wearing horns.
Women have no taste in men if this babe is dating this douchebag.
He burped in her brother's face...gross. I hope this guy dies. What a loser.
Someone is sneaking into the house. IT MUST BE MICHAEL MYERS! The dude is wearing a pumpkin head mask. IT'S THE PUMPKIN KARVER! EGAD!
This woman can act about one level better than Randy Orton's wife.
Her brother saves her and stabs the guy in the face five times! AWESOME!
It was fake and it was her boyfriend! WHAT A DUMBASS! This is what happens when practical jokes go awry.
The opening credits have music and the police and news reports about what happened.
Her brother isn't in jail and the sister is trying to hook him up with her friend. He got off because he thought she was being attacked.
They are looking for something and almost run into some old guy. "What the hell're you kids doing?" Cue sterotypical horror movie grumpy old man.
This old guy is funny. He smokes, curses, and thinks teenagers are idiots.
Oh great. The college students in this movie are all dumbasses.
These characters suck. Where's the Punpkin Karver to kill these idiots? At least the women are hot.
Now the dude is having flashbacks about the guy he killed. This should be good. Maybe he's a skitzophrenic.
Oooo...there's this artist chick that's talking to him. At least she doesn't annoy me.
Oh great, more idiotic characters.
Now the dude and the artist chick are on a pumpkin carving date. This is good. These are the only two characters in this movie who aren't either stupid, annoying, or both.
NOW HE'S HEARING THE VOICE OF UNICRON!
The idiots mooned them with pumpkins on their asses. I can't wait for these guys to get killed.
She dated the pirate douchebag?! As I said, women have no taste in men...at least in this movie.
Party starts up and about 20 seconds into it there's people having sex in a van with a camera, LOL. It's the Austin Powers guy... *rolls eyes*
He tries to molest her but she laps him and he leaves the van. I guess he's a molesting rapist like Ben Roethlisberger.
She goes outside of the van when she thinks its Austin Powers. However there's blood on the window with words and she gets caught and killed by the killer. Not bad.
The old man is made about the kids partying, owns the land, and knows that he can carve pumpkins. He says they're the same. He tells him he's going to show him some real carvings.
Old guy: "That piece of shit. He ain't worth the paper it takes to wipe your ass." LOL
Old guy shows him his pumpkin seed machine. Then he asks if he's ever killed something and tells him a story about the evil carver who worked for his parents and how he killed his parents. Says he killed him. THIS SCENE IS GREAT!
Great now the idiots are getting drunk which completely ruins the awesomeness that proceeded it.
Movie is making it seem like the old guy is the killer but I don't think it is. Leaning toward the pirate douchebag or the artist chick the main guy is interested in.
Hulk guy finds the old guy's lair and get a giant screw drill shoved into him! THEY SHOW HIS GUTS FALLING OUT! GROSS!
The rock band playing at the party isn't that bad.
Artist babe goes looking for Johnathan (the brother) and walks right into the lair of the old guy. She runs into John's sister. Maybe the sister is the killer! Now my brain is really swirling over who is doing the murders.
Artist babe runs into the old guy but Johnathan finds her. He tells her what happened when he met the old guy. John starts asking her about evil spirits and she shows him what she believes in. Maybe she's a scientologist...
Nope, she's showing him the city lights from the top of the hill. At this point I'm hoping for a meteor to hit and the Blob to be unleashed.
Ooooo...they start making out as the old guy looks over and gives them a look. LOL this old guy character is GREAT!
She asks him about how he learned to carve pumpkins so good. He tells her about his dad leaving. No one's been able to find him. MAYBE IT'S THE DAD! This is getting good. There's at least six possible people who could be doing the killings.
He's hearing the Voices in his head...they talk to him just like in Orton's theme music. Now he's yelling in the air and hallucinating again. Electric shocks...what the hell is going on? lol The Pumpkin Carver uses laser beams from his eyes to cut his face. It talks to him. What the hell is this shit? This is weird.
Everyone is at the pumpkin carving contest and Johnathan runs in to tell his sister that he saw him again. She takes him out of the room and makes him tell her that it wasn't his fault. Maybe he's Snitsky in disguise...
Now they're all in a pumpkin carving contest and he keeps glaring over at pirate douchebag. John wins and the old guy pushes the pumpkins over before leaving. lol This movie is randomness at its finest.
They realize Rachel is still missing and decide to go look for her. Naturally they split up which makes them easier targets for the killer.
The two chicks go to the outhouse and find Rachel's body with the face carved like a pumpkin. Gory.
They go back with the Toga wearing drunken idiots and she's not there.
The drunken Toga wearing idiots go looking for pumpkins. THE PUMPKIN KARVER CUTS OFF THE HEAD OF ONE OF THEM! WOW!
Johnathan's sister goes looking for him and finds an abandoned barn. Once inside she gets grabbed by the pirate douchebag. After escaping she runs off and he gets stabbed.
Johnathan is back at the old guy's lair and realizes some tools are missing from there.
Artist babe finds some writing in red about carving pumpkins and finds the body of Rachel being used as a scarecrow. She is then confronted by the Pumpkin Karver and beats him up with a big stick before escaping.
Artist babe a bunch of old shacks and a house. She uses the shacks as cover but gets found and fights off the Karver again before hiding in one of the shacks. Karver follows her in.
This guy growls more than Cujo.
John's sister finds the scarecrow body now as Karver is still looking for artist babe. Artist babe tries to escape but gets caught in a bear trap and John's sister finds another body. It's the pirate douche.
Where the hell is Johnathan? Maybe he's the killer.
Sister finds the artist babe's body in an old truck and old guy grabs her. Johnathan saves her with a pitchfork. Old guy says that Johnathan is the one doing the killing and John then sees the body of the artist babe. His sister tells him she's going to call the police and runs off.
Old man and John alone. Old man ask if John's going to carve like his daddy did? Old Man gets control and says "Death must die" before transforming into the Karver!
Karver shoots lightning at John. What the hell is this? Star Wars? Is Karver a Sith Lord?
IT WASN'T HIM! IT WAS THE BOYFRIEND! How is he not dead? Says eye for an eye and says it's his revenge. John's sister stabs him and John kills him after stabbing him like 20 times.
He points it to her but the sister says it's not him and it's the old man. He was hallucinating again. What the hell is this?! So the old man and his hallucinations were the killers? Huh?
Police on the scene the next morning. Detective says that the old man was a serial killer and they found more evidence in his lair. Sister finds a pumpkin in her Jeep. John's got a bloody knife in his hand. He starts having seizures or something. HE TRANSFORMS INTO HER EX-BOYFRIEND HE KILLED THE YEAR BEFORE! He says "Trick or treat" and goes to stab her as the movie ends.
2 1/2 out of 5 stars. Old guy was good but most of the characters in this movie sucked. Plus the fact that most of the women in this movie dated douchebags didn't make things any better. However I did like the story except for the Palpatine force lightning stuff. However too many annoying characters and strange storyline stuff hurt this movie big time.