Friday, April 15, 2011
Hellraiser: Hellseeker Review
This last review of the day is for the movie Hellraiser: Hellseeker. Let the running commentary of doom begin.
Running commentary -
Starts off with a quote by Dante Aligheri followed by the Puzzle Box being shown.
A couple in their car is messing around in their car. It's another horror movie couple where the woman is too hot for the guy. Don't these movie studios ever learn? lol
They get in an accident and get their car thrown into the river below a bridge. The car goes underwater and they try to get out. The man makes it out but the woman drowns. How does she not know that his door is open?
The guy wakes up in a hospital. He sits up like the Undertaker, lol.
His name is Trevor. They drug him and he wakes up with some guy sawing into his skull! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!
They start messing with his brain by pricking his brain like accupunture. He wakes up. It was only a nightmare...or was it? This is good.
Trevor is released after complaining about headaches. The man who talks to him says the doors were open in the car but he said they werent.
Trevor gets home and his first memory after looking at a picture of his dead girlfriend is of them making out before having sex. Yeah, real precious moment there.
At his cubicle Trevor finds a paper that says "All problems solved" on it. He has a flashback of going to some dark, seedy part of town and seeing some druid looking guy before his annoying co-worker wakes him up.
Some woman at work named Gwen starts to grab him and molest him. She starts to have sex with him but he wakes up and she tells him to get some work done. What the hell is going on in this movie? LOL
Trevor now is having illusions about the newspaper article about his crash and of him molesting Gwen.
The officer says the crash might've been foul play and that everything will be revisted. Trevor keeps having flashbacks and the officer says she got out.
Trevor keeps seeing things and thinks someone is following him now. The dog outside of his condo is acting weird too. Someone is watching him. He starts choking and spitting out water for some reason.
HOLY CRAP! AN EEL THING JUST CAME OUT OF HIS MOUTH! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?! IS THIS THE MATRIX OR SOMETHING?
Just then there's a knock on the door and a woman who lives in the building shows him her new tattoo. She tries to seduce him and says he knows where she is if he wants company. Why is every good looking woman trying to pick up this guy? If he looked like Brad Pitt or somebody like that I'd understand but this guy looks like a nobody.
Trevor is watching home movies about him and Kirstie but there's another knock at the door but no one's there this time.
He goes back into his apartment and finds Gwen who immediately disrobes to reveal lingerie. She immediately starts controlling him like she's a dominatrix. She starts to film them having sex but he stops her during the foreplay and kicks her out. She says he's got a screw loose and he's lost his promotion. After she leaves they are still having sex but no one is there. He puts a bag over her head on the TV and kills her. HOLY CRAP! He then wakes up in his cubicle talking to his co-worker like from before.
His buddy sends him to an accupuncturist and he tells her what's been going on. He has a flashback about the strange guy in the seedy part of town again and the man gives him a musical puzzlebox in the dream.
Pinhead stabs a giant needle into his neck and asks if he prefers the pain or the pleasure before he wakes up. That scene was great.
Now one of the cops tells Trevor he's a suspect because Kirstie had an inheritance but lets him go.
The slutty neighbor chick comes back and takes her clothes off to the underwear to seduce him and says to tie him up. As he's having sex with her a Cenobite tortures him. He wakes up with blood on his hands and finds blood on the walls only to find her tied up and dead. This is playing out like a Twilight Zone episode.
Trevor thinks he's nuts and goes to see the slutty woman but she's still alive. This is weird.
The police call him in and ask about Gwen. Even the cop guy doesn't know what's going on. Not even the producers know what's going on at this point.
Trevor has a flashback about the Puzzlebox again. He's probably in Hell or something. Where's Rod Serling at when you need him.
Trevor can't remember anything and the cop wants him to remember what happened.
This guy who works with him knows too much. Trevor cuts his hand and then runs out.
The accupunture lady thinks whatever it is that's causing the headaches is trapped inside his head. He tells her he doesn't know what's real and what isn't anymore so he can't trust anybody.
She starts to seduce him. Why is everyone wanting to have sex with this ugly guy? lol Now they are kissing passionately. She grabs a knife and stabs him. WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!
Trevor wakes up in an ambulance and they tell him he collapsed on a bus. This is a strange movie even by my standards.
Now he finds the doctor that supposidely doesn't exist after catching the janitor smoking weed. The Janitor then asks who he's talking to. Where the hell is Fox Mulder when you need him?
Now magically he's back on the bus and is having flashbacks about everything.
Trevor finally makes a decision...to go to the seedy part of town to find the creepy guy. Yeah, good choice there idiot.
Instead of finding him he finds Pinhead. Pinhead asks if its difficult to face his demons and says he can't run from his past. Trevor realizes Pinhead killed everyone. Pinhead says the killer is amongst us before Trevor stumbles off.
He finds his co-worker and he pulls a gun on him. Says that they killed Christie and would split the money 50/50. The man commits suicide in front of him.
Trevor then finds the accupuncture lady dead. Someone tries to open the door and it's the police with guns. They arrest him and take him downtown. They found a body in the river and they're bringing it in. They bring him out and he wakes up. He sees pictures of murder victims who've been shot in the head. They are all the people he's been dreaming about.
The officer takes him to the morgue and then unhandcuffs him before locking him in.
HOLY CRAP! THE AFRICAN AMERICAN COP GUY HAS TWO HEADS!
Trevor walks into the Morgue and finds meat and body parts.
He finds Kirstie's body but the room starts to shake and Pinhead appears. Pinhead says everything catches up to you and you must atone. Says it's time to pay the price. Trevor wants to see his wife and Pinhead says in time before attacking him with the hooks and chains. Pinhead says he was an interesting study and helps him remember. Turns out he made Christie open up the Puzzle Box. Says he was just bait to a far more interesting creature...Kirstie. He wants her. She makes a deal to give him five souls and it turns out Trevor had numerous affairs. Kirstie pulled a gun on him and says she made a better offer. Says they took it.
Pinhead: Welcome to the worst nightmare of all...reality.
They all disappear and Trevor pulls off the covering to see his body. He realizes he's the fifth soul and that he died.
Back to reality Kirstie tells the cops he killed himself and she lost him. She tells the officer it doesn't make any sense. They tell her that if the gun matches then they've found their killer. A guy from the morgue pulls out the eel from earlier from his mouth.
Ends with the detective asking her about the Puzzle Box. She tells him it was her anniversary gift. The detective gives it back to her and says to take it home, something to remember him by. This movie played out like a really bad Twilight Zone episode.
1 out of 5 stars. Nothing in this movie made any sense. This was one of the most confusing movies I've ever seen. Imagine a crappy version of Inception and this is what you'd get. One of the weirdest most confusing and strange movies I've ever seen which is saying something considering how many weird movies I've seen in my lifetime.